CHILLING IN THE HOOD

Written Henry Joe Sakala

Okay, te, title ya story iliko misleading because I’m not a yo bally elo nshi kala mu ma yardi. My name is Umu Etch Jay Etch, I live in the compound, muchimunzi. So apa I have just woken up from a ka small nightmare. Some dark figure was strangling my neck. I could not even breathe. I screamed ‘JESUS!’ and the damn wizard flew away on his reed basket like the common and cheap thief that he is.

And just in case you are wondering. I know who it is. It’s my neighbour. The ka old man is angry with me because I didn’t give him some mealie meal when his pretty granddaughter came to ask. Instead, I ended up in bed with the ka chick.

Yaba! That was it. The old man vowed to sort me out. And tonight he almost did it. But Jesus saved me. Thank you, Jesus.

Okay, today, I would like to take you around my compound, introduce you to my friends and enemies and if we are lucky, you can also get to meet some of our local celebrities.

Here in my house, there is nothing much to talk about except for those tu ma finished blankets folded in the corner. Don’t ask too many questions about the stains on the bed sheets. Sometimes when I’m too drunk, it’s difficult to go to the toilet, if you know what I mean.

Out here in the compound, we have that ka finished house on the left side of my house, that’s where the ka wizard stays. He only comes out to sun bask after I have left.

He sent back his granddaughter to the village after her love affair with me.

Apa pa side epo tu chaya ama bomb with the guys. The guy approaching us, the one dressed in a million colours is my good friend Halwiindi. He lives in his own world and loves bragging. This is a guy who will promise you a beer but when you get to the bar, you end up buying all the rounds. He’s employed as a bus conductor and part time con man. Let me just greet him.

Ati bwanji iwe?

“Ati bwanji iwe, tiza nkhala bwanji lelo?”

Last time unakamba ati uzani tingulilako tutatu.

“Uzanipeza pamene pa ntemba kaili…”

Wa meya?

“Zileki… but ka mbuyas Ka siya chi ATM card so apa ni lwisha che ka password, ninshi twanya again.”

Okay boi.

See what I told you? He’s talking about an ATM and stuff like that. He can’t give me a straight answer.

Anyway apa pali ka blue house na chi crack pa side ya door ndiye pa nkhala chija chimfana china likita, kuchaya-chaya, chimfana china chaya ma vows, ma I do, I do… till death do us part… chimfana china chaya zwi-zwi na ka imbwa. Ma kachepa ba vokamo ati ka imbwa kali na mimba aih? Elo UTH yakana ku kachita admit mu maternity ward. Iliko bad. But you know I’m just talking nonsense. Can a man impregnate a dog sure? Ma story yenangu aya.

I mean why should a guy start chasing after dogs when we have plenty of loose girls like chi Malita? The chi one that is approaching me just now. Have you seen her, like abena MC Hammer.

Ati how chi baibe? Wa lasamo ka mini n aka bareback, na boot ka? Yapa salaula, obviously.

“Iwe, just shut up aih? Ichibeleshi ukokwine, ala!”

Mmmgh! Bwela apa uni posheko kaili? Mali! Ela! Malita?

Anyway, olo chimeke chigelo chinikonda badly.

Let me touch pa job. See you later!

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